O’ahu, Hawaii
4.17.2022
I love big earth shattering revelations. I love knowing that we are infinite and infinitely capable of growth. This one is a game changer…a key to more peace and contentment. I have been a problem solver and seer my whole life. I have yearned to be validated in my sight by others. I used to think that me sharing and helping is love. That the solutions and ideas were the gift. I couldn’t understand why I was still not seen. This was one huge level of healing. Realizing that my gift is simply to be. No trying to win love. For how can you win something you already possess?
Then I healed a crucial thing that has begun to branch out and heal everything else that was in… resistance. You see, the ego mind is simply resistance to being. Ego is the stop to our perpetual and infinite go. It is also a way to ground the material world in rules. A healthy ego mind works in concert with body and soul. Yet, when programmed the ego mind turn more resistant and fixed in the rules it created. This right now, is the source of suffering..in my experience. It is the cause of the pain I experience but also can be utilized to support the joy I desire. Yet, it must act in concert with the body and soul. This was already known to me…the next realization was beautiful.
Before I share, I will tell you this, I have finally allowed and co-created a safe enough space within me to handle such deconstruction of old programs. Because when you examine an old pattern the response of the ego is to defend itself for fear of vulnerability and more pain. Old programs cause pain as they are transmuting. The old programs often also want to fight to stay on and the ego is so intelligent and can twist in the name of protection and safety. The biggest fear of the ego- the unknown and the denial of love. Ego fears death second most. So, in order to heal, I must be organized mindfully and in a space of love within myself.
Here’s the lesson…I learned I’ve often shared my thoughts, my opinions, my “fixes” with people. I’ve judged. I’ve criticized. I’ve compared. I’ve created meanings to things and been blinded by my own perceptions. So, in other words, I’ve been human with a human ego. Though, I have reached a point where the human ego is no longer something that I would like to rest within. I reached the nadir of suffering for myself and I have no desire to return there. So, now I am trying something I have never done before. I have not just decided to be. Just be. Just accept. Just hold space. I’ve wanted to “do” something. To “protect” and to “save,” thinking that this is a function of love. Of being of “assistance” as a seer/lightwoker/healer. Mostly, I have lived in a highly exaggerated idea of my influence and control. This just is and I find it rather normal now that I am seeing from a different perspective. It’s not judgment or criticism, this has been the way. What I realized is I do the same with myself. What do I need to “fix” internally rather than accept fully. I look at how I can be “better” or try to protect myself from being “worse.” Ego is constantly trying to know it’s worth. Spirit/Body(heart) knows its worth. (Much more on acceptance in the future).
So far in my exploration of being love…I have learned love is tender and allowing….love gives space. Love accepts and offers when asks. Love sits with discomfort, sadness and anger without needing it to be anything other than what it is. Love sits with joy, excitement and hope without it needing to be anything other than what it is. Love allows its own time and unfolds in its own way, in an infinite design. Love is chaos as much as order. Love is infinite and abundant. There is nothing wrong. There is nothing to fix. There is only but to choose and to be.
I stand in profound gratitude to the amazing healer that gifted me with honestly and an opportunity to choose this way above all else.
P.s.- I’m sorry for being Ms. FiXit, Problem Solver, Feedback Founding, Experience Sharer. My intention has been to love…but now I’ll ask then offer.
Thank you for your love my friends!
By Ellen S. Wright 4.17.22 copyright
Ellen S. Wright, LMFT 