Ellen S. Wright, LMFT

re·la·tion·ship
[rəˈlāSHənˌSHip]
NOUN
the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected

rec·i·proc·i·ty
[ˌresəˈpräsədē]
NOUN
the practice of exchanging things with others for mutual benefit..

Reciprocity in relationships by Ellen S. Wright

October 9, 2023

I believe reciprocity is a natural force behind every mutually beneficial and growth centered relationship.

Imagine a forests of plants/trees and us humans. The trees give out oxygen, which we need, and we exhale carbon dioxide which they need. We mutually benefit, align and grow as a result. Reciprocity, and the desire for it in our relationships are a natural preference within our human makeup. Yet not everyone has the capability and the desire to be fully reciprocal in a relationship. Each day, I see people who have various physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental capacities…all different. All acceptable in their own way.

Some folks are generous with their time, energy and love and others are more reserved. Some people are able to do the most for their partners because of their own capacities. While other partners struggle to take care of themselves and have a hard time contributing to the relationship.

Whatever the amount, to be in a true relationship with someone, there is reciprocity of some type. We need to consider our partners’ capacity and desire for being reciprocal. Our partners are not the same beings as us.

It is natural to have desires and preferences. It is also natural that our partners do not love how we love. OR receive love in the same way as we do. Sometimes, our partners do not know how to be reciprocal in the fashion we expect or hope, or they struggle with capacity.

As a member of any relationship, talking about the desire to be reciprocal is important. Gaining mutual understanding on what reciprocity means for each member of the relationship. When we learn about each other’s individual capacity/skills, we can all meet in a place of mutual benefit. Discussing this with our partners is also essential, because it allows each person to know what the other desires/prefers and whether they are willing to participate in providing that desire. Resentments, anger and frustration come up when we assume that our partner is not willing to be reciprocal or unable to be.

Also note, reciprocity does not undermine the concept that you can give to someone without ever receiving something back, yet I would argue that is not a relationship in the sense that I am saying.

Do you have any thoughts about reciprocity in relationships? I’d love to hear, inbox me if you do not want to share openly.

Loving you,
Ellen S. Wright