by Ellen S. Wright
Copyright 9/2024
My mother always said that transitions were hard for me. As a child, she remembered me wanting to stay put rather than making the necessary leaps forward. This started in-utero, when I was supposed to be born on July 25 and I came 14 days later, on my preferred date of August 8th. She declared that on every transitional milestone, my first tooth, my first steps, first day of school, and on many occasions following, she witnessed me going through the same pattern. I’d get tense, cranky, angry, resistant, and sad. When I’d get to sadness, I always opened that darkened door and walked through the heaviness. I’d find myself in that place and then light would appear. She said, as soon as she saw that light, she knew I had surrendered to the transition. She told me she watched me do this my entire life, countless transitions through countless transitions, large and small. When my mother would tell me this, I would eventually grow to appreciate my own process and appreciate being seen.
As I grew older, I began to see that even though my life was beautifully blessed, I also experienced a tremendous amount of trauma. I have indeed experienced all manner of trauma in my 40+ years including: child sexual abuse, witness to domestic violence, addiction, witness to gang violence, witness to school violence, medical trauma (including two life threatening pulmonary emboli), witness to addiction, domestic violence, financial insecurity, homelessness, single parenthood with sole income responsibility, death of a parent, loss of family, intergenerational trauma, an international divorce, racism, sexism and job loss. I have known many very tough transitions. I have become very resilient as a result, each time traversing through sadness to greater amounts of joy. My very career is to use and synthesize my wisdom, academic teachings and lived experience so that I may be a space where others can experience understanding. I find that my unique life has been to integrate my bio-scientific knowledge and witnessing of others who have experienced rough paths in their own lives.
One transition that I am most proud of is the birth of my son. I knew that this transition was due to bring me into another new chapter in my life. Since I knew my experience with transitions, I had a full plan for what I would do in the birth room. I was determined to focus through what I heard was the toughest part of labor, I knew I needed to have some lifelines. My tools included an oil painting of two trees on the edge of an amber fall field, a Hawaiian ‘oli (chant) that I learned months prior to bring clarity and wisdom, and a particular breath pattern to help me manage the pain. When the actual transition birth phase occurred, I did exactly as I prepared. I looked unwaveringly at the painting, propped against the sterile wall of the hospital room. I chanted until the pain grew too great and then I started my breathwork. I felt the pain and the sadness swell within me as it normally did but I continued to stay focused. I let the physical pain guide me through this beautiful journey on the way to meeting my son in the flesh. And then it happened. I felt bliss and the peace of the light. I only pushed two times, and my son came flowing out of my body on a wave of amniotic fluid. He came in with the water. When I saw him, I cried and welcomed him to the world. There was no more pain, only light and love filled the room. Another successful transition.
What I have learned at every transitional point in my life, I always come out of it more expansive, wise and confident in my ability to endure even the greatest of pains. Each time, my capacity to hold space for myself and others swells. I have learned more about my ability to handle stress and choose the healthier response. I always learn what limiting beliefs or challenges are meant to teach me. I always step back into the light.
Recently, I have been going through another big transition. It has been both beautiful and devastating, yet absolutely clarifying. Normally transitions have a few common parts, starting with the excitement or peaceful stage, an acclimating period, a rocky period and then an empowered state. Ever since my son’s birth, I consciously use tools to help me navigate the rocky parts of the path. Transitions are a natural part of the human experience, and we can learn from each one, whether calm or chaotic. I realized that to navigate transition, it is best for me to have internal and external tools. I share them with you in hopes that they resonate, or you find some inspiration in them.
Internal tools are often the hardest to remember when you are in the thick of a rocky or scary portion of a transition. The more you practice them, the better you get at remembering them in the moment. Yet, I find them to be so effective, because they can be with you, always. Here are some of my personal internal tools:
- Positive self-talk or affirmations.
- Breathwork.
- Sensory soothing calming tools.
- Joy inducers (music, special interests, nature, exercise and laughter.)
- Spiritual practices and/or mindfulness awareness.
- Awareness of what is within my control.
- A willingness to ask for help.
- A willingness to do uncomfortable things.
External tools include our community, family, friends and partners. External tools strengthen the internal tools and can always be used in unison. My personal external tools include:
- Cultivating relationships where I can ask for help.
- Seeking therapy or wise counsel from those who have a similar emotional capacity.
- Asking for recommendations.
- Listening to other perspectives.
- Having someone be a safe space and sounding board.
Ultimately, these tools only work if you use them during the darkest moments on the path. The hardest part is slowing down enough to remember them. Be easy and gracious with yourself as you navigate the tougher moments of transition. Understand that the period will pass and often, life is more expansive after the downward dip. There are many of us who have experienced the ups and downs of life’s adventurous path. Let’s enjoy the twists and turns, while remaining in a state of excitement, acclimation, horror, grief and peace. Every tree, plant, bird, fish, insect, mammal and fungi are a part of the same changing ecosystem. Change is a constant, and transitions are a part of this natural process. Allow yourself to grow and change too, you will only become more expansive, a spiral ever flowing outward.
Be change.
Love, Ellen
Ellen S. Wright, LMFT 