by Ellen Swann Wright 10/16/2026
Anger has been a theme in my therapy sessions this week with several clients. Curiously, it has also been a theme in my own life. Yesterday, once again, I got the news that after a third attempt at resubmitting my client billing claims to my major insurance payer, the system was once again not operating properly, and the claims were once again “stuck.” The amount of anger that flowed through my veins when I saw the announcement spread through my body and into my stomach, first hot, then transitioning into a cold rage that seemed to settle and burn within me. My mind raced, thinking of all the upcoming bills. My car payment. My EMDR consultation. And the newest medical bills relating to my left knee injury. I did what I always do. I started thinking of action items. What to do next, who to contact, and when.
Then, I received a text message from someone who does not regularly write me. “Hello there. You were on my mind this morn. HRU?” I cannot stand it when people cannot even bother to write out the actual words. I wrote an answer, “Struggling. Lol. How are you?” The response I received: “With struggle comes progress. I am well. Nothing but smiles.” Like gasoline on a fire, my anger grew larger. I knew then, best not to write anything back. Best not say a word. I know the nature of anger. It is like fire. It spreads, and it spreads quickly. I know myself with anger. When I feed it, it can easily become an uncontrolled rage. And if unchecked, it can be hurtful. I am aware of this and hence realize that when I have nothing nice to say, it is sometimes best for me not to say anything at all.
What evoked the anger in that interaction, which may be very different for someone else, was three parts of that exchange. First, the initial irritation of being asked how I was doing when it did not seem entirely clear that the person asking really wanted to know how I was actually doing. This was evidenced, at least to me, by the quick, pat response of “with struggle comes progress.” There was no exploration. No curiosity. No understanding offered for my answer. Just a bypassing of my words and no knowledge of what my struggle was. Then came the quick insertion of their own happy status, which was fine on its own, but again seemed to completely ignore my own pain and simply skip to the other person’s experience. And finally, that was it. No further conversation. No further exploration. Just a drop-in of no particular consequence or offering. Just silence. Just another irritation.
I moved forward in my day, quickly reminding myself to focus on the good. Reminding myself that there are many things happening that are paving the way for future stability. I had a meeting with my EMDR consultant. I met with my Headway representative, and we worked on action items for my profile and how best to market my practice to attract clientele. Then I went into my day with sessions. I sincerely love what I do and have said repeatedly this week that it is a calling and an honor to do what I do. I continued to move forward.
In one of my sessions, the subject of anger came up again. I was struck then by how this has been a common theme this week. I have discussed it probably on ten different occasions, which is about 50% of my client time this week! I’ve discussed how anger is an emotion that ultimately says, “STOP!” It is a “NO!” to what we are experiencing in that moment. We are usually fighting against something. Something that feels threatening, unfair, unjust, intrusive, or simply not okay with us. I have discussed how anger is connected to our stress response system and can activate the sympathetic nervous system, preparing our bodies to respond to a perceived threat. Our heart rate may increase. Our muscles may tighten. Our breathing may change. Stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol may become involved as our bodies mobilize energy to respond. When anger becomes intense, our attention can narrow around the perceived threat. We may find it more difficult to think flexibly, consider another person’s perspective, or connect as meaningfully as we otherwise might.
I have discussed how outward and persistent expressions of anger can challenge relationships and create ruptures that are difficult to mend. I have also visited discussions about how inwardly directed or chronically suppressed anger can contribute to emotional distress, numbness, resentment, and sometimes depressive symptoms. I have discussed how anger can be passive, aggressive, threatening, scary, ugly and out of control. I have also had people visualize and relate to their anger; picture it, even, and the variations amongst people and their experiences with anger are vast! Yet, Anger is an emotion. A natural, necessary part of our human experience. It is what happens when anger is continually fueled, suppressed, misdirected, or expressed in harmful ways that can become destructive to our bodies, minds, spirits, relationships, and environments. Like fire, anger can spread through communities and families, leaving desolate spaces and burnt ends.
Yet, if anger is understood, seen, channeled, and heard, anger can be utilized. If anger is not continually stoked and cultivated into something destructive, it can become useful. This week, I had a conversation with someone about just this. They shared how, when angry, they tended to do more physically punishing things to their body. They did so much, in fact, that they ended up hurting themselves further. I reflected on whether something similar might have contributed to my own knee injury. I really do not know. As of this moment, I still have not heard back from my medical provider about my test results. What I do know is that I have been experiencing significant pain, tightness, and difficulty walking with my left knee. My provider suspects a possible torn meniscus and perhaps a cyst, but without further evaluation and imaging, the cause remains uncertain. I cannot say whether anger, physical exertion, hormonal changes, or something entirely different contributed to the problem.
What I do know is that the pain from my knee and my anger relating to not getting paid for my work over the last few weeks seemed to collide. I realized that because my anger is so palpable and so strong, I leak it. I feel it, and I cannot always hold it easily. It is best for me to be quiet. It is best for me to quickly leave the presence of most fine folk and excuse myself like a werewolf who knows the full moon is about to dawn. 😊 It is best for me to go to bed. It is best for me to go to nature. It is best for me to do something to soothe the anger. I have learned that if I do not do that, the anger can spread, because most people do not know how to soothe anger. Some people only know how to inadvertently stoke it. Because anger is like fire, anger must be cooled like fire.
For instance, nature helps to cool the fire of my anger because it soothes me. Laughter soothes the fire of my anger because it brings joy. Understanding and compassion soothe my anger because they allow me to feel seen. Going to sleep allows my conscious mind to let go of the subject matter and rest. Sleep also supports my body’s recovery from stress and helps restore the physiological and emotional resources needed for regulation. Writing, like this, allows creativity to turn anger into something useful, like words and stories that might help someone else. Anger can be transformed and channeled if it is understood and soothed. And sometimes, soothing anger does not mean making it disappear. Sometimes, it means allowing enough space for the intensity to settle so that we can understand what the anger is trying to tell us.
Anger can also be useful in motivating intentional action. One of the great conversations this week was about how to utilize anger as a motivating principle. Sometimes, anger is the thing that finally gets you to say, “ENOUGH already! I am done!” Or, “It’s time for a new way!” I created a workshop months ago called Righteous Rage! It is all about how we can use our very real anger toward what is going on in our world today to motivate us into action. To say, “STOP! This is not right. This is not okay with me. I am angry!” I have a right to be angry at this, for this is not what I want or desire in my world, my community, or my home. Anger can be the very thing that moves us from tolerating what is unacceptable to taking action to change it.
Anger can also help us with discernment and boundaries. Sometimes, anger is the first indication that something is not sitting right with us. That something is out of alignment with our values, our needs, or what we are willing to accept. It can alert us to places where we have allowed too much, tolerated too much, or given more of ourselves than we have the capacity to give. Anger can invite us to stop and ask, “What is happening here? Why am I feeling this way? What is this anger trying to tell me?” It does not mean that every time we feel angry, someone else has done something wrong. Sometimes our anger is informed by past experiences, unmet expectations, exhaustion, or our own interpretations of what is happening. This is where discernment becomes important. Anger gives us information, but we still have to examine that information and decide what to do with it.
I think back to the text exchange I described earlier. My anger helped me recognize two things. First, I did not need to give any more of my energy to that conversation. I had enough to manage that day, and I had other things that needed my attention. I did not need to explain myself further, challenge the response, or try to make the person understand my experience. My boundary was simply choosing not to engage any further. Second, the interaction helped me discern something about the kinds of friendships and relationships I want to cultivate in my life. I want people who are genuinely curious about how I am doing. People who, when I say I am struggling, might ask, “What’s going on?” or “Do you want to talk about it?” rather than immediately offering a platitude. I am not asking anyone to fix my problems or carry my struggles. I simply value relationships where there is curiosity, understanding, and a willingness to make room for one another’s experiences. Perhaps the person meant well. Perhaps they believed they were offering encouragement. Perhaps.
But I can recognize that intention and still discern that the interaction did not offer the kind of connection I value. And I can choose where to invest my time and energy accordingly.
Sometimes, the answer is to communicate a need. Sometimes, it is to establish or reinforce a boundary. Sometimes, it is to recognize that a relationship, situation, or expectation is no longer serving us. And sometimes, it is simply to acknowledge that we are overwhelmed and need to rest. Boundaries are not about controlling someone else’s behavior. We cannot nor should we do that, we can only control ourselves. A boundary is what we do. We remove ourselves. Boundaries are about recognizing what we need, what we value, what we are responsible for, and what we are willing to participate in. Anger can help us recognize where those boundaries belong.
As a woman, and especially as a Black woman, I was taught that it is not okay to be ANGRY. There is a whole stereotype around being an angry Black woman. Angry is not attractive, they say. I happen to think differently. I think all emotions are beautiful in their own way, just like the elements. Again, we are told, Women are supposed to be soft. Anger is not soft. Anger is loud. Anger is hot. Anger is aggressive. At least, that is how anger is so often portrayed. But anger can also be quiet. Anger can be thoughtful. Anger can be discerning. Anger can be purposeful. Anger can be the very thing that helps us protect what we love.
I am not an angry Black woman. I am a multi-emotional Black woman. I own my anger just as I own my joy. I think that is why I can own my joy, because I can just as powerfully own my anger. I do not have to deny one to experience the other. To have joy and abundance, peace, harmony, kindness, compassion, collaboration, openness, authenticity, creativity, reciprocity, and equality, one must be willing to experience anger. One must be willing to say no. To recognize when something is not right. To stand up for oneself and for others. To challenge what threatens the very things we say we value. I must also be willing to be sad, disappointed, uncomfortable, unsure, and confused at times. I must be willing to experience the full range of my humanity.
Because being joyful does not mean I am never angry. Being loving does not mean I am always agreeable. And being at peace does not mean I must remain silent when something is wrong. Anger helps us discern and create boundaries. Anger is part of living a whole life. And perhaps the work is not to rid ourselves of anger, but to understand it, so it can serve the life we are trying to create.